


Unwanted

by burntmythroatskullingmytea (Tytoaster)



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: F/M, Tumblr, idk - Freeform, imagine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-10-15 22:43:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tytoaster/pseuds/burntmythroatskullingmytea
Summary: The reader embarks on a gallant quest to capture Ivar the boneless, and in the process makes an important self-discovery. Prompt from: No one, happy April fool’s my peeps I thought I’d try to make something that I think is a bit humorous. I hope you enjoy it guys,





	1. unwanted

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this is crap, I thought I’d try to make something that I think is a bit humorous. I hope you enjoy it guys,  
> warnings: Coarse language, prisoner, Penis?  
> Prompt from: No one, happy April fool’s my peeps

The prisoner was annoying you beyond belief. Why did Earl Olaf insist that you capture this cripple? Well, you knew why, he was Ivar Ragnarsson, your enemy and one of the leaders of the heathen army, he was worth a hefty ransom. But the real question was; why did you? Perhaps it was punishment for that time you accidentally lost his prized boar after a night of feasting and… well, excessive drinking, or that time you burnt down the armoury, it could also be that time one time you let a flock of geese ruin his son’s wedding, actually, now you thought about it was probably all of the countless ‘mishaps’ you had had. The Earl had wanted to kill you for so long but fortunately, since you were a young shieldmaiden, your weregild was too high for him to take lightly. You figured that he had put you at the forefront of this ordeal so that revenge would be exacted on you and that someone would do his dirty work for him. But despite knowing this you wanted desperately to prove him wrong. Prove everyone wrong.

It had been a stupid idea from the start, Earl Olaf was so certain that he would be able to reign the Ragnarsons under his control. He was a fool. And you were so desperate to prove yourself, to show that you were more than the town klutz. You had foolishly sworn an oath to do any task the Earl wanted. His task; to capture Ivar the Boneless and bring him back alive. The first part had been easy enough, Ivar liked to have time to himself to think, he would go into the forest alone. You had the element of surprise on your side, you managed to sneak up on his and knock him out with the butt of your axe. He never saw it coming. Then you’d tied his hands together behind his back and slung him across your horse. The second part, however, was proving difficult. Getting back him back alive was no easy task. You had nearly pulled over the horse thrown him off a cliff more times then you had fingers.

It had started with him simply hurling insults at you. They bounced off easy enough until two hours into the ride, he found a chink in your armour.

“You’re a bumbling idiot, and by the looks of your face your mother was too, she obviously dropped you as a child!” You had flinched. Oh, how you regretted the small slip up. You turned around, he smirked and continued, “Maybe she was so clumsy she didn’t keep her legs crossed, and look here you are; the mistake, the klutz no one ever wanted!” You had no idea how he had come to that conclusion, but it hurt because it was true.

You bristled and mounted a defence, “And who are you to talk about mistakes, Boneless!” He stilled somewhat shocked. You deduced that not many people ever spoke that way to him. His face turns an odd shade of red as his icy blue eyes narrow. If looks could kill, you’d be pushing up daisies.

After that, you had continued in silence… For about two minutes before he piped up again.

“At least I am wanted.” In hindsight, it was foolish to anger him further but you wanted to win this strange contest of insults.

“Are you, really?” You asked. You hit another sore spot, you could tell by the silence and intense glare you felt on your back. You smirked. But It didn’t last long.

“Actual yes I am, I am a leader of a great army. You, however, are a lonely little girl playing at being brave, desperately trying to prove herself, you are pathetic.” It felt like he had burnt you.

You hissed, “I am regaining my honour!”

“By sneaking up on a defenceless cripple, tying him to a horse and kidnaping him? Definitely honourable.” Damn him. You knew you were in the wrong, but what choice did you have? This was the only way you would ever be taken seriously.“You know when my brothers come for me you’re going to die, but not before we find who put you put to this, I will enjoy every second of your screams,” he threatened. You knew it to be true but you saw an opportunity and you took it.

“And what makes you think your brothers will rescue you damsel in distress? Maybe they are happy to finally rid themselves of you.” You won. He had nothing more to say. You both retreated into silence and your horse continued to plod along.

After hours of silence, the cripple’s obnoxious voice rang out.

“Stop the horse Mistake!” The captive snapped.

“I have a name!”

“I don’t care,” he spat.

“What do you want Boneless?”

“I need to go,” he stated.

“Pfft, nice try arsehole, as much as I’d love some peace, I am afraid you’re not going anywhere.”

“What? No you dumb bitch, I need to piss!”

“Oh,” you muttered. You weren’t prepared for this, “Okay.” You pulled over the horse and headed to the tree line. You dismounted and hauled him off. You grunted heaving him over your shoulder. You strained under his weight.

“You need to lay off the turkey cripple,” you wheezed.

“You need to build up more muscle, Mistake,” he sneered. You scoffed and dumped him on a log and stood back.

“Right, do the deed and we’ll get back on the horse,” you stated waving at him. He grinned you frowned. Why was he smiling?

“And how am I supposed to ‘do the deed’ as you say, with my hands tied behind my back?

Your jaw dropped. Nope. Fuck this. Right now you didn’t care, no crime was worth the punishment you were receiving now. You liked horses, perhaps you should ditch him, start a horse farm in Spain, forget this stupid ‘quest’.

“What are you waiting for? Untie my hands or untie my breeches,” he suggested smugly.

“Right, you’re going back on the horse, this time I will gag you!” You move towards him.

“Fine, but I’ll just piss all over the saddle and it will just run down…”  
“Fine!” You threw your hands up in the air, that arse hole was enjoying this. “Just give me a minute, to think here.”

“We don’t have a minute, just untie my hands and let me go before I burst woman!”

“Aha! So that’s your game!” The bastard wanted his hands free.

“What? No! I just need to piss!” He insisted.

You didn’t want to untie his hands but you didn’t really want him to wet himself. It seemed there was only one logical solution. You had to touch ‘it’. Your face reddened. He seemed to smirk triumphantly. This was the lowest you had stooped in your life, ever. Was renown really worth this?

“What are you scared of?” He smirked, glancing down at his crotch. “Never seen a man’s prick before?” he was right you hadn’t, but you didn’t want him to know that.

“I’m not scared,” you spat back.

“Are you afraid you’ll like what you’ll see?”  
“Keep dreaming cripple.” 

“Well if you’re not afraid why are you hesitating?” He challenged. Spite is a powerful thing. You were now certain he was trying to psych you into untying his hands. Gritting your teeth you stalked forward. Fine let’s get this over with, you thought. You practically tore open the laces on his pants and yanked him out. He gasped in shock. You smiled.

“Get on with it!” You snarled. His cheeks flushed and he opens and closed his mouth like a fish out of water. He looked down and back up at you.

“I….um… you… need to keep holding it to… um… aim…” He stuttered.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” You shouted at the sky. You sighed and looked down at his manhood and reached for it. You took it into your hand averted your eyes as you pointed. It away from him. “No amount of honour is worth this much shit,” you grumbled as you heard the soft trickle hit the ground.

“I believe you mean piss,” he snickered as he finished up. He seemed to be gaining back some of his irritating nature.

“Shut up,” you growled and tightened your grip on him slightly believing it would hurt him. Unfortunately, it did the opposite. He let a guttural moan. You swear you felt his prick move within your hand. You let out a yelp and dropped it as if it were hot coals.

“What the fuck was that!” You exclaimed. You stared at his face to see his eyelids hooded the icy blue daggers you were used to.

“Why don’t you find out?” He grinned devilishly. You shuddered.

“Okay time to go,” you decided and moved to pick him up again.

“Aren’t you forgetting something, Mistake?” he inquired

“What now?” you groaned.

“If you take it out, you got to put it back,” he smirked. Gritting your teeth again you looked down and your face reddened. It was standing at attention. You gulped. “Well, what are you waiting for? Get on with it,” he challenged.

Nope. That was it the final straw. You’d had it. Fuck him. Fuck Earl Olaf. Fuck renown. 

“Goodbye Ivar, I hope your brothers find you before anyone else does,” you stated and turned to leave.

“What? No! Come back here you dumb bitch!” He panicked. You ignored him and mounted you horse.

“Nope. I’m going to leave this hell hole and going to Spain or something,” you informed.

“You’ll come back,” he seemed to try and reassure himself, “You’re just trying to scare me, well done, you had me there for a second.”

“I’m not coming back,” you deadpanned. His face fell he realised you were telling the truth. His face then morphed from fear into rage, “You can’t leave me tied up in the middle of the forest, pants down and prick out!”

“Watch me,” you spat back at him and spurred your horse on.

“When my brothers find me, we will come for you!” he threatened. 

“You can try!” You called back to him.

“I will find you, even the gods can’t save you!” He screamed behind you. You laughed and nudged your horse into a gallop. For the first time in your life, you felt truly free.


	2. unwanted part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is stupid, but I thought this would turn out better, oh well here is the second and last part of Unwanted.

* * *

These bloody Saxons, you couldn’t trust them. One minute you were winning a drinking competition, the next you woke up with a rat as a roommate and a hangover Thor would be proud of.  You had to say the change of scenery was wasn’t exactly sunny Spain, but this dungeon was safer than home. After renouncing your loyalty to Earl Olaf, he finally had a reason to kill you. He had put a bounty on your head, just your head, he was not interested in the rest of you.  Ivar was still pissed at you, and you assumed since he had issued a bounty for your capture he had found his pants and his brothers. And now king whatever his name was wanted your head because you agreed to do mercenary work for him but took the money and ran. To be honest, you were quite chuffed.  Three bounties in two months. You had gone from a Village Klutz to the most wanted woman in Northumbria.

“Get up girl!” a squeaky pre-teen boy screamed.

“Um… I already am?”

“I don’t care, you can do it again!” He ordered pettily. You furrowed your brow, was this kid for real? “I am lord Oswald and you are my prisoner!” This lord looked more like a lad but you guessed that the fact that their people’s lords were getting younger rather than older was your people’s fault.

“On what charges have I been detained, lord?” You tried not to laugh.

“Um, general nuisance-ar-y… bad stuff, I heard you shoved a drinking horn up sir Harick’s arse in a bar fight, but that’s not point,” he turned around and fiddled with something. Seriously how old was this kid? 10? 11?

“My advisers said that I should hand you over to the person with the highest bounty, but turns out they all have the same price on your head.“ He explained seeming bored.  “So then, they said that I should have you executed and cut in three pieces and all that stuff… but I thought that was a bit harsh… you just shoved a drinking horn up that prickhead’s arse, you don’t deserve to be thirded… so I thought you might like to choose who you go to!”  Something about his tone was too sickly sweet to be genuine as presented you with three coloured little wooden tiles.  You examined the tiles and look back up at the boy.

“What if I don’t want to choose? What if I like it here?” You asked.

“You have to choose. I said so. I am in charge, look just pick a colour! Okay!”

“Fine, I’ll pick. Who is who? ”

“That’s the fun part it’s a surprise!” You looked at them, red, blue and yellow. You didn’t want to pick Ivar, that’s for sure. Looking back at the kid you tried to figure out who he had assigned to each colour. You figured he would assign either Ivar or Olaf to the red tile because he saw them as aggressive invaders spilling blood, or blue, for the sadness they brought to his people. That meant, following his logic that the yellow, happy coloured tile should be that Saxon king you pissed off.  You caught yourself, were you really psychoanalysing this 10 or 11 year old on colour association? Yes. Yes, you were.

“I choose yellow.”

“That’s great! Ivar is already on his way!”

“Wait what?! IVAR!? NOOOOO!!!!!”  You screamed, “Who in their right mind would associate yellow with Ivar?! You can’t hand me over to him! Please, I beg you third me! Third me!”

“Nah,” the sadistic little shit laughed at your misfortune, “This is more fun,” the boy lord shrugged and left her in the dingy cell to await her fate.

* * *

Hours later you were dragged out into the courtyard. This was the worst day of your life, period. You saw him, casually leaning over his chariot with that evil grin on his face. Fuck. Double fuck.

“Hello Mistake,” he greeted demeaningly. You just glared praying to Thor that he would strike him dead as you were shoved into a metal cage on the back of a waggon. “What no witty exchange? Sly remarks? Insults?” He mocked. You looked around at the small escort consisting of unfamiliar faces.

“Is this all? Do you think that these men can contain me?” You asked, although you knew very well it was more than enough. Oh well, fake it till you make it.  He just chuckled and chucked a bag of silver at one of the guards, and turned to the boy lord Oswald.

“40 pieces just as we agreed…”

“Only 40?! You know king what’s his face is offering at least 50. You’ve been duped!” You shouted at the little shit.

“Doesn’t matter, like I said before, this is more fun,” he grinned and walked off with his entourage.

“You better hope I die! Cause if I don’t I’m coming for you and I’ll shove a drinking horn up your arse and steak knife… No, a fork… in your eye!” You shouted at his back while the Vikings around you laughed.

* * *

“You’re a long way from Spain Mistake,” Ivar called out half an hour into the ride.

“Well I had some… financial difficulties,” you shrugged, “But I guess if you get your way I won’t have to worry about that anymore, so just get it over with.”

“Oh, no, no,” he tutted, “I’m going to make you suffer.”

“I knew you were going to say that,” you groaned, “So what are you going to do? Leave me in the middle of nowhere, pants down, prick out and tied up, cause that’s not going to work for a few reasons…”

“You know what Mistake? I don’t know,” he mused.

“What?”

“I haven’t figured it out yet,” he tilted his head.

“Wow and I thought you were the man with the plan, do you have a general idea or no clue?”

“Oh no,” he smirked, “I have a general idea alright, I’ve been dreaming about what I would do to you when I finally found you.” Fuck. It sent a shiver up your spine. Why did that scare and excite you at the same time?

* * *

You stopped to make camp. Your legs were cramped from huddling on the cage all day you’d do almost anything just to stretch your legs. You lifted your head as heard footsteps approach.  You looked up as a massive man opened the cage and gestured for you to follow him.

“Ivar has requested your presence,” He stated in a bored tone.

“You know what this cage is quite cosy, I just stay here for… Ahh! Get your grubby hands off me!” The man grunted as he slung you over his shoulder. You screamed insults at him and pounded his back, but the bastard just laughed.

“Just a bit further up if you’d be so kind, I got this knot in my lower shoulder I just can’t get,” He chuckled.

“You’re a son of a toad! And you smell like one too!” You honestly had run out of insults by the time you reached a large tent.  Her brush the flap aside and literally threw you onto the floor in front of him.

“Nice of you to drop by,” Ivar remarked smugly from a chair as you picked yourself up from the floor.

“How long did it take you to come up with that one cripple?” You switched tactics. If you angered him enough perhaps he would kill you sooner. However once again your actions didn’t have the desired effect. He only grinned evilly and gave an amused chuckle. Fuck him and his stupid face. Or just Fuck him, your brain randomly whispered to you. “No,” you said to yourself louder than you had realised.

Ivar just raised an eyebrow, “Still a lonely girl I see, talking to yourself,” he taunted leaning forward getting a bit too close you making your breath quicken, “I could fix that you know,” he smirked and leant into your ear, “Make sure you’re not a lonely girl ever again,” he hissed and the shivers returned. You flinched back. What did that mean? You were confused. Was he flirting? You liked it when he spoke like that but it messed with your head, he hate you and you hated him.

“What game are you playing Ivar?”

“The one we didn’t finish because you rode off before things got interesting,” he grinned as he brought himself back from you. Oh. Ooohhh. Not good. Or very good. What? NO…Yes?This was always the point where you ran away. When the feelings got too hard to handle you shut down and ran. But now, there was nowhere to run. You clutched your head as the warring sides created a dull ache. He was doing this on purpose, you concluded. He was trying to mess with your emotions and your head.

“I would like to go back to my cage now,” you stated. He snorted. Yeah, that’s right bastard, I know what you’re doing…What are you doing? You frowned as he spread his arms out in a mock welcoming gesture.

“Welcome to your new cage or home, whatever you prefer,” he smirked, “Get comfortable because this is where you’ll be living for a long time.” It’s wouldn’t be hard to get comfortable, this was by far the nicest place you’d had to live in months however he was there. He made you nervous in more than one way, also, he was probably planning to gut you as she slept.

“You can’t do that!” You shouted angrily even though knew very well that he could, “I am a woman I need space and shit! I need to get a break from your stupid face…and …and…there’s only one bed,” you realised, “There’s only one bed! Nope. Not gonna happen you sick bastard I….I have standards.” You lied. His grin only seemed to widen. “What does this amuse you? What am I your court jester?”

“In a way yes, though you’re supposed to entertain me more than amuse me.” Your jaw dropped so low you had to pick it up from the floor. He shifted himself from the chair to the bed, “So are you going to entertain me or leave me again?” 


End file.
